Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
Randomize
