shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Randomize
