I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
Randomize
