...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
Randomize
