the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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