i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
Randomize
