so then we both started to do the walk of shame and she didnt realize we had fucked in her apartment until some lady said hi to her in the elevator
you didnt stop her?
too entertaining
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
