Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
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