When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
