did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
Is it bad that on the course evaluation it said "do you normally try harder than other students in class" and i circled "absolutely false"?
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
Randomize
