Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
Randomize