dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
My ass is underappreciated
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
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