did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
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