he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
