I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
Randomize
