If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
