I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
