I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
Randomize