if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Randomize
