I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
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