Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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