You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
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