apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize