my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Randomize
