They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
Randomize
