Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
Randomize
