I'm passing your future prison.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
