It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
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