I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
Randomize
