I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Randomize
