Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
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