Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
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