I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
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