Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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