Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
Randomize
