One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Randomize
