rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
I still have a little drunk in my system
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
Sadly my Summer of Cocks is coming to an end
Randomize
