The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
