i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
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