I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
Randomize
