My underwear smells like fireworks.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
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