3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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