Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
Randomize
