I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
3 2 1 whiskey
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Randomize
