Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
