Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
