So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
