I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Randomize
