You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
Sorry my hands just texted you
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Randomize
