I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
Maybe he injected his testicle?
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
Randomize
