just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
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