I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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