Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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