Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
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