I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
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