She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
I am midnight drunk by noon
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Randomize
