I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
