My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
M WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL AND IT SAID THAT WHEN THE LUST PART OF THE BRAIN IS ACTIVATED THE JUDGEMENT PART IS NOT. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
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