you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
just do it
fine only cuz shes asian
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
Randomize
