Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
Well, she's an atheist who is addicted to the Sims.
Who isn't?
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
