She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
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