The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
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