highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
