So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
Just cropdusted the office
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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