Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
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